jay says...

"when in doubt, move on. no need to figure it out."
-son volt , 'drown'

where to start.
i have beat myself up enough over the last few days so, i'm not going to do it again here.
but, i will say this.
when i first thought of this trip and going to school here for a little bit and trying my hand, again, at learning spanish, i was very excited. as time wore on and it came closer, i started to get a little scared. what if's crept in.
what if i can't do it? what if i shutdown when i'm there? what if i just can't do it? what if...and i took a few steps back and considered not coming. at all. but, as garvie and i talked more about it in the mornings and at night, i decided to come and that decision, i believe was the right one to make. i thanked ailsa one night for keeping on me about getting my plane ticket booked, not to back out. to get different shit done.
i was still scared about school but had decided to give it a go. a good go. sure, i had my doubts but once i got into that first class, i tried. and after class i would make jokes to alex and zach and julie, etc..about my crappy spanish, and such...but i went home each night and did homework, tried to talk to luiz and kaylyn, the shop keepers in the mercados, etc. and mostly it was good.
i did see my cracks though develop after the first week. at home i was, and still do, have trouble 'getting it'. and i know there's good days and bad days but, the bad were piling up. and frustration in class with all the writing and little conversation, not using what we had learned very much. while other classes were seen speaking to each other...and i knew and know that we have limited words and vobcabulary but i so wanted to use them with classmates. today for the first time my teacher, who saw me silently freaking out, said to me, 'garnet, do you want to do the work or do you just maybe want to talk instead...?" and i felt like it was too late. that we, the class, had wanted that for over a week and a half.
i know we all learn differently, and i differently than you and you from me...and part of my frustration is knowing that i'm not as stupid as this language makes me feel. and then, you know, i think, 'it's ok...' this is a vacation and learning spanish was and is but a part of it. so, now, i think, i'm gonna relax. i'm going to take tomorrow off, go to the organic market, eat, drink something, relax, read a book garvie gave me...and forget about school until monday morning when i'll decide what's what.
i worry though, about disappointment. not mine, but that of others. another thing garn started and didn't finish, but that's gonna have to be something i get over and just worry about me. this is a wicked place and i'm having a great time. sure...i get homesick, hate my shower, hate my bed and long for a great conversation with a long time friend. but i'll get all that soon enough. this town is great and, as donald judd wrote to his mother once while traveling through marfa, texas, 'one day i'm gonna come back here'.

pics later tonight.

i love you all so much.

g. xo