trains moving in different directions

things are done every day and don't mean a thing. they don't mean a thing to me and they don't mean a thing to you. people move around and conduct their lives as they see fit. i have been accused of being too concerend with others and not in tune with my own feelings and what it is that i need out of my life. and it is my life really. in the end. ultimately. i am concerned with the happiness of others even when it comes, sometimes, at my expense. i am trying to change that to a certain degree - all the while trying to find that balance between becoming self-involved or centred and being true to myself, and not hurting others with my actions.
i say this because for a long time i went without. i know it may not look like it but i have in many ways let myself come second. why? because i felt, at the time, that that was the was it should be. i am not good at saying no. and sometimes it has come back to bite me in the ass. i'm trying to change this.
why am i telling you this? and why now? it's this blog and all that it entails and all it has become. i lay it all out here. my life. sure, i leave out some stuff but, for better or worse, it's all there. my life and all my goings-on. for the most part it's light-hearted and simply a diary of sorts meant to entertain. simple. other times there are revealing moments that aren't meant for everyone. that's the truth. someone recently took great exception to some of the contents of the blog and let me know it. who? i'm not going to say but they did. and that's all that needs to be known really. but, in a nutshell, they were surprised by some of the most recent content and felt it inappropriate. i feel badly about this but am not sure what i am too do in this regard. am i sorry that feel the way they do? absolutely. am i sorry they're hurt by what i have written on the blog? yes. am i going to change what i do on the blog and what i write about? no. i can't do that. mishi once told me that the blog was becoming a little PG and i took that to heart. the blog is what it is - as sad as that sounds. it is read by many i know and even more people i don't know, and i am often surprised by who reads it. people mention it in conversation always refering to it as 'the blog'. "you've read the bloig", "i read the blog", "no, i saw it on the blog". cool.
i'm sorry for what has happened but i need to live my life for me all the while still having the feelings of others in mind. i value each and every one of you who reads this. something has brought you hear to read each day, each week or however often you read it, for a reason. and that's kinda flattering. it has, in many ways taken on a life of it's own. pretty cool.
so, things have gone south with friend for now but i'm hoping this will change with time. an e.mail that was sent to me last night in regards to this whole affair was in some ways hurtful to me and in others hurtful to them but i know, i think, where it was all coming from. (the same for some hurtful text messages on my phone.) all this will be fine in the end, i hope. i value there friendship and hope we can get back there one day.

'nuff said.

i love each and everyone one of you. thanks.

garn xoxo