old and tired and fat and...

i'm old. and tired. and not old in ther sense of really old, but old in a way that depresses me. fuck, everything depresses me but the kind of depression i feel is hard to decribe. although, it was never stated any better than in the david lynch movie, 'the straight story'. actor richard farnsworth, playing an older man determined to get somewhere-i'm not getting into the details here, is sitting around a campfire with a bunch of younger guys discussing life. one of the young men asks him what the worst part of getting old is, farnsworth replies, "rememebering when you were young.'
that's the fuckin' truth.
i stuggle with this every day. i am not what i used to be. i am slower, fatter-something i'm working on but it doesn't seem to be working, less strong, and never more apparent than when i'm playing hockey. playing hockey, for the most part, makes me feel useless. i love it, and will keep playing until i can't but, even at 42, is getting hard on me to continue. i used to be pretty good, i think, now, even on a great night, i'm average at best. and i guess that's ok, but-and i have to admit some of the drive is gone, i wish people, at this late stage of the game-people i play with, would realize none of us is going to make the NHL. now, let me say this right off the bat, the main guys i play with are great. and more recently we have slpit off from the pack of assholes we usually play with. a bunch of guys i stopped playing with because there seemed to be a complete loss of what the game is all about. it's a team game, played by a team. it's not a game of one vs. the entire other team, one and one only. monday night hockey, which is commonly referred to as MHL-musicians hockey league, is now bullshit.
originaly, many years ago, our hockey-me, along with muc and brent, dan devloo, dave fortune, etc..we all joined jerry wong and his band of musician misfits after our hockey had become-actually now i don't know why we joined the MHL. anyways we did. hell, there was a guy who was a male stripper why not join them. he turned out to be one of the reasons not to go to MHL.
anyhow, long story short-which is kinda too late now, MHL interest dwindled, people couldn't play the late monday night slot, and more and more young puck-hogging non-passing fuckwad players came to play. i actually once had to tune one of them up to make it clear certain stick infractions would not be tolerated. whatever. jerry needed the money to pay for the ice-time so i understand but, it's not fun hockey. it's a fuckin' drag. i will not be back. i took an extended time out from the monday night hockey, now i think i'll take another one. it just makes me feel badly about myself. am i that bad now that i am not worthy of a pass? or has passing become passe? sure, i'm not as good a player as them, but, it's suppose to be fun. and it's not. so fuck 'em. play by yourself-they want that anyways.
you know, i have a bad back, i'm outta shape-but workin' on it, and i just want to pass the puck around. is that too much to ask? so fuck monday night hockey. if stace, gibney and craig aren't there, why bother?

on a side note. last night a guy got his upper thigh sliced open while playing. he was one of our defencemen and i had jerry wang call the rink attendant to get him taken away and fixed-up. the wierd thing was, his own skate sliced him open-and when i say open i mean it. somehow his own skate had come up and sliced the inside of his thigh right near the groin-a very fatty area no matter how in shape you are, so that was/is the good news. it was freaky to look at-all spread open like an overcooked bratwurst-you know how they burst open when they cook...nice. a slice almost 5 inches long and very deep but no blood at all...very wierd. he did that and i smacked my head on the ice after falling down the stairs earlier in the week...time to go to the chiro.

i'll miss that kinda shit at monday night hockey.

good times.

g. xo