please do not read this instalment if you don't want to be totally bummed-out.
two things were recently pointed out to me in regards to the blog. one by mishi who said, "the blog is kind of a watered down version of your life", to which i respond, i write things on the blog that are going on with me. i don't need to write everything because if i did i would be, in some cases, hurting some people's feelings. not on purpose but, there are some things that are better left unsaid. i care about people and thier feelings even if i'm denying my feelings in the process. my life has never really been my own but rather something i do each day and during that day my needs have almost always come second. and i don't say that for any sort of pity or pats on the back-fuck that. it's just how i do things. period. also, penelope said that she finds the blog depressing. so i went back over the blog for the last while and from the time she's been reading it up until now, it's been actually kinda happish. kind of. that will change today and i let it all out. and then i'll go back to posting pictures of burritos, the garbs, corie, etc., dinners at topanga and all the good shit you've come to know and love.
so how was my day? i fucking sucked. i had to mail some shit i sold on ebay and because the canadian postal service is so shitty i tend to mail things from point roberts. go see issy, mail a few packages. save a bunch of money and it's far faster. well, today was a shit eater. i got to issy's and her version of microsoft word would't allow me to make the text bigger for my labels-super awesome, then the appleworks was kinda shitty too....not issy's fault just happened to be while i was using her computer. then i went across the border with my stuff and they wanted me to fill out all sorts of commercial customs forms because i had sold the goods and was making a profit. i'm going back to lying about what i'm doing when i cross the border. it woked well for so many years i'm going back to it. fuck them. fuck george bush. fuck cheney. fuck the us birder guards and their self-rightous attitudes. fuck it. so back to vancouver i come, go to the canadian post office and send the shit to the USA THAT WILL NOW TAKE TWICE AS LONG AND COST TWO TO THREE TIMES AS MUCH. THANK-YOU SO FUCKING MUCH YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT.
what is wrong? people in vancouver-not all but a lot, have no concept of the fast lane being the left lane, the HOV is to help you move along faster during rush hour but just because you have more than two people doesn't mean you have to use it. if you're only gonna go 80 kph then get the fuck outta that lane. you're killing me. it's ok to use those signal indicators as well. they came with the care-so fuckin' use 'em. i just wanna know what you're gonna do next.
it's just seems to be getting so hard just to have a reasonable day lately. and i'm only talking about me-i'm sure there are tons of folks out there with shitter lives than me but i can only deal with mine. right now. am i depressed? yes. terribly so. and i have had a decent time of it for a little while now but recently, for a few weeks now, it's been getting worse and worse and i'm starting to lose it. i said things to issy today that i know i can not take back. things about me, my life and how i feel about it. that's it's a waste of time, that it's hard to get outta bed each day. that i have suicidal thoughts that i don't act on because it would hurt her so much if i ever did do myself in. which i won't so don't pen me any e.mails or phone me telling me how great life is and that 'we' all love you...i know how blessed i have been in the friend dept. so don't think i don't love you and appreciate you and thank god you put up with me. it's the truth. but it's hard to convince me that this is a good place to be. i live here, i work here, i'm stuck here. so be it. doesn't mean i can't complain about it.
the impending games that are three years away are being felt now by everyone. it's getting harder and harder to get from one end of the city to the other. and it's only gonna get worse. get used to it. this town is going to be gridlock and shit for the next three years. and then get used to paying for it over the next twenty years with extra taxes, etc. for things you didn't want in the first place. let's be very clear. the games have nothing to do with sports anymore and haven't done so for a very long time. and i feel badly saying that as one of the people i love most is involved in the games and is making her living right now from it. and i say good for her, she's awesome, great at her job and will benefit from being involved in it later on after the games are done. i will not benefit from the games nor will most people i know. like i'll be able to afford a ticket to the gold medal game in hockey. right.
and it saddens me , today at least, that the sum of my life right now and some of my happiness is summed up by a bunch of plastic/vinyl toys sitting around on shelves around my place. a place i hate more and more each day as wel. and not for it exactly but more for what it represents. a box i am stuck in. unless i win the lotto, i'll be living here-if i stay in the 'city'-until i'm an old man. there's no movement up for me and for a lot of people i know. it's too expensive. period. i have some toys, a bit of art and that's it. good times. i also have a couch i wish i could toss off the balconey but it cost too much so now i just have to deal with it. i can barely bring myself to sit on it. and the hilton paintings that i just can't get around to hanging because i don't even know if i like them anymore. and the hassle it will be to hang them. fuck it. up in the closet they go. outta sight, outta mind.
and the older i get the worse it gets. and i know i'm not old but the evidence that i'm not is fast fading away. things i used to be good at-hockey, baseball, athetics in general, sex, etc. i'm not mediocre at best now. at best. i ache, i have bad kness, a terrible back, lungs of a sixty year old smoker and the gut of a fat frat boy. it's a pretty good package. and i feel the decline more and more each day even though i am trying-and i really am trying-to work out more, go for walks, play more hockey...i am falling apart.
i know that being off work and inbetween movie/film projects is hard on me. it's fine for a few weeks maybe a month or so but i am really only 'happy' when i'm working. it gives me a sense of usefulness. or some sort of purpose. i will never retire. or at least stop working. working keeps me busy and gives me less time to think about how shitty it all is. the more i work, the less time i have to focus on the shit. the companion was a little saddened by me telling her the other day that i would rather look good than feel good. but it's the truth. and i don't look that good so....
ok. i should stop. this is making me feel shitty now. or shittier. or something.
i am blessed. i know that but it can't help the feelings that come along and dominate my brain. this town, this neighbourhood, etc. make it shitty. a town that is really each and every day getting away from the common man and woman. a city for the rich-which ain't me. or most of who i hang with. a city hell bent on the games and not the downtown east side. one that doesn't give it's police any power. that gives welfare to drug dealers from other lands. and still lets them deal drugs. a city whose idea of saving some of the heritage buildings is saving the far southeast corner of woodward's as a reminder of our past. a city that has some many cranes around it now that it only signifies that more and more people are on their way here and they don't give a fuck about the old vancouver. the vancouver that was fun. the vancouver that had things to do, things to see and dollar 49 days.
ok. there. i'm done. for now. i'll get back to the happy blog soon enough and more pictures of food and such.
good times.
g. xo
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