j-j-jammer

ok. so for those of you who give a shit-and apparently some of you do...i went for my heart/stress test today and the pump is fine....as i thought...although if something was wrong i didn't want to know anyways...but i will say this. and for those of you who know me well, or even not that well know this....i am very body concious and basically hate what i've become as i've gotten older...although, truth be told, i have never been a big fan of myself and today was a painful exercise in trying to keep it together as i was being tested. i had to remove my shirt and have it off, for a prolonged period of time and try and avoid catching a glimpse of myself in the doctor's mirror. i actually told the woman, goldie, who was doing my test that i had to have the mirrors removed from the wall next to the treadmill or i wasn't going to be able to do the test. she laughed. i assured her i wasn't joking. the mirror was removed. also during my initial check by the doctor, i had mentioned my weight and how i hated it etc...as i was laying on the table he made a comment about 'my baby' as he patted me on the tummy....nice...a fat joke...thanks dude. anyhow..i did fine, my heart is a well oiled machine, and i'm not likely to have a jammer...too bad....i have decided to stop eating though...lose the baby...and try and regain some sense of self...and try and not be too depressed about being old and really fat...but for marcy, the network, mishi, garbs, skippy,my mom, dad, etc.....i have done what you wanted me to do. there. all done. i'm gonna live. good times. i'm gonna go cry now.

g. xo