things my dad says....

well, not my dad. but someone's dad. and when he says them, his son writes them down and posts them on the internet. i love it. just good enough.

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1. "I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."about 2 hours ago from web
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2. "Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."8:44 AM Nov 1st from web
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3. "Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."10:11 AM Oct 29th from web
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4. "You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."1:39 PM Oct 28th from web
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5. "If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."10:46 AM Oct 26th from web
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6. "I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."1:43 PM Oct 24th from web
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7. "The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."9:51 AM Oct 22nd from web
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8. "You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."10:53 AM Oct 20th from web
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9. "Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."12:59 PM Oct 18th from web
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10. "I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."10:11 AM Oct 16th from web
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11. "Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."9:15 AM Oct 14th from web
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12. "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."9:10 AM Oct 12th from web
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13. "Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."10:41 AM Oct 10th from web
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14. "I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."9:13 AM Oct 8th from web
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15. "We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."10:57 AM Oct 6th from web
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16. "Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."10:03 AM Oct 5th from web
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17. "You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."5:57 PM Oct 3rd from web
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18. "You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."5:08 PM Oct 1st from web
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19. "Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat."10:28 AM Sep 30th from web
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20. "It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.