miserable.

i was. and mishi told me so. and i don't blame her for a second. i was tired yesterday, not feeling great, the weather sucked, my plans for things i wanted in portland changed...so i didn't know why i was there. yes, it was good to get away to a city i love, with two people i love as well...but something wasn't working for me. i sank into a hole and couldn't get out. and the trouble with that, when you're away is you can't just go home and re-group or call it a day. nope. too far away. i think portland has, for the time being, lost some of its charm. la bonita was great. but the other meals we had there were, in my estimation, shitty. today i was no better. sore. sometimes it feels like my body is really beginning to fail me. and i'm not sure my brain could make sense of staying in a hotel with an ex and her boyfriend - even though it's all so many years ago...still, it reminds me of my failures - as great as our relationship is now. whatever. so to them, sebastian and mishi i'm sorry for the crappy trip to portland and my funk.
there's a lot of other shit going on as well, that as much as i think it's not a deal, it obviously is. stuff i can talk about, and stuff i can not. topics and issues that when they come up i pretend to listen and care, but i don't. and it's getting harder and harder to pretend. it's hard to be happy when you know things that are going to happen, are just gonna make you sad, or lonely, or both. or uneasy. or...so many emotions.
i'm also wary of certain people now. people i thought were friends - close or otherwise. but friends none the less. people i helped out of jams, lent advice, gave the benefit of the doubt, saluted in one case - in a way...and then got pissed on. so be it. i see change coming. less of things for them, more for me.
i also wonder about the blog at all. i can't be as truthful as i would like to be. i think i have to keep it all kinda light and fluffy and not let the true emotions i may be feeling come out. why? because i know some of you, the readers, are people who don't know me well. who are not part of my social circle. you are people i work with. and i have to be careful.
a co-worker told me the other day that every new morning allows you the opportunity to re-invent yourself. i think about that often. i have had trouble putting that into practice. maybe i will soon. the move, whenever that is, will, hopefully help this along. the one bag you always pack is yourself. maybe i need to pack a better self.
ok. the blog will continue i think just maybe not updated as often. but then again, maybe it will. i'm making no promises.

g. xo