for better or for worse

it was a bit of a rough one today....i felt rudderless. when i told mishi this she thought it had something to do with the change in the weather. i don't know if that's it but the rain can't help. it changes a lot. no lawn cutting, no hanging out drinking coffee outside, you have to close the windows on your car, etc...bummer. i find myself, on days like today, having a hard time making decisions - should i go to a movie, go home and watch the baseball playoffs, get some groceries, go and....? and it all seems like a chore....in the end i came home, after doing some banking, and just sitting, trying write some more of 'cancer show' and watching baseball while i waited for the time to come that i had to leave for my hockey game....it was ok..i had a couple of hot dogs, a little lemonade and a yam...
i also, today, did something thoughtless and uncaring and regret it as i sit here now. i'm not going to go into the details but, it was the mouth moving faster than the brain. it was fueled mainly by heartache and, perhaps, nervousness and stupid. i'm hoping for a better day tomorrow with less faux pas...and love of a different kind but as strong and important.
i also made a promise today to someone i care about a great deal.
after hockey tonight, a friend called and wasn't having the best time ever so i suggested i come and get them and we'd get a drink and talk. it was nice, a little stitch and bitch session of sorts. as we were driving home, well, their home and then i headed home, we talked about life and such and they started crying saying they hated a conversation we had had earlier in the week and how it has upset them. and i understood. it made me sad to recount the conversation we had had. we talked some more about it and us, and how we feel about each other, and how important we are to each other. and how they didn't want me to ever leave them, that i had made their life so much better.
and then the promise. a promise i made and meant and a promise i'm making to you as well. i promise that i will not try and accellerate my time here in any unnatural way. how's that for vague? i have, in the past - less so now than i have in the past - made overtures to 'checking out' early. and i have decided to work against that. i battle with this stuff and sometimes wonder if there are reasons to get up every day but, i'm gonna try and end that. one day at a time - so to speak. when i take stock, it's pretty good. or, it could be much worse for sure. and i know that right now it's a bad time to be poor - rheostatics reference - but there's gotta be something worth living for. and i have taken a couple bad hits lately that make it harder than usual - no real work in film lately, my break-up, my chronic back pain, the winter weather setting in, etc...but this all too shall pass. it will. and it'll be better. but my stock....my great friends, issy, floyd, a roof over my head, car, jobs that appear when i need them most, a little hockey, great coffee, mexican food, roadtrips, cutting lawns....how could i leave all that? i promise. i won't. not on purpose.
i know that there are a lot of people who read this blog that i don't know all that well and a lot of this will make no sense to them at all....but to those of you who i do know well, who read this on a regular basis, i just want you to know, i love you. i really do and as sandra berhard once said, without you i am nothing.
it's the truth.

g. xo