body of contentness

..i have a picture on my desk - or near my desk pinned-up, of a younger me. a picture taken around 1999 or maybe later but not much...rae, who i work with, was looking at the picture and was trying to figure out who it was and i told him it was me. again, a younger me. he then got a very confused look on his face, maybe more of disbelief. that it could be me in that picture.
i told him it was just me before i got old and fat...and he said i wasn't fat and said i had the body of contentment. huh?
such is me getting old. and i have to say, most times i don't care - looking older, grey hair, etc...but other times, i hate it. i hate being fatter, i hate the ever enlarging bald spot on my head - it really doesn't matter but it does in a weird way. i hate working out, eating less and still being the same. i used to not care one way or the other if i had my picture taken, now, if i can avoid it - almost at any cost, i do. and if i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror it's sometimes enough to ruin my day.
i ain't kidding. i am not a handsome man.
i was never a hot tamale, but now am just a chunky burrito of a man. thank god for my stellar personality. or something.
and so i look at the picture of me taken at the loft in gastown and long for those, slightly, more carefree days. much less money and responsibility, but slightly thinner, better looking and content. or something.
maybe i'm just having a bad day...but i do hate the older version of me some days. so much more serious. or something. i guess this is what nearing fifty is. maybe my life is just shifting and i need to be more age appropriate in my approach. less kaws, more rrsp's.
i lay in bed lots of nights and ponder my mortality - who doesn't i suppose. i see friends losing parents and know i'm not ready for that. i hope, sometimes, that i go before my closest friends do, not because i hate life and want it over - i'm much, much, less that way in recent years...but i just can't imagine my life without them around. what the hell would i do...?
anyhow. it's wed. ...middle of the week and i'm slightly bummed out today. no biggie.
life will move along and my head will get more bald and grey.

g. xo