same as the old boss...

i recently re-read a bunch of old e.mails from different people. why i save these i have no idea. some hurt, some are hopeful, others have been kept for no reason at all and should just be deleted.
i used to many years ago write a little column in the magazine discorder. it was a heart and soul look at my life and the lives of those i was around and involved with. about my family and friends. i was re-reading some of them for no real reason and it's funny, maybe not funny ha ha but just funny, oh, but i thought i'd post a few so you can see i've been the same slobbering emotional fool all my life....

............

love has gone away
and there's no one here now
and there's nothing left to say

love has gone away
took the rings off of my fingers
and there's nothing left to say


lou reed
street hassle



cowshead chronicles
july 1997

i have a heart that is firmly planted on my sleeve. i pull no punches in regards to it and voice my discontent or rare moments of exhilaration through this column for the whole world to see. so what's the big deal? late at night as i write this scratch i feel as if i know exactly what it is i'm trying to say but often as i read it, usually not until it comes out at the first of each month, i wonder if sometimes i'm lacking in clarity. but how can one deny one's heart and the feelings that it's having right at that exact moment? sure, i lay it all out, and it's not always about personal experiences but i know that for some people it's a little hard to take sometimes. am i sorry? not a bit. while love fades and crushes come and go and a lost love is only ever healed by time, the pain of it all has to be recognized. sure next week the feelings may be different or there may be a whole new set of rules and regulations but acknowledgment of your heart is paramount. the light of day often sets things in a completely different light but shit, what's a guy to do? call me a true romantic or a complete fool but i, despite all the setbacks over time, believe in love and all that it can bring. the heartache, the euphoria, the will to acquiesce like you never have before, the sharing of possessions, all that and more. i have many times tried to ignore my feelings and dismiss my heart and somehow put it in a dark place where even i hope to never find it. it doesn't work, i'm here to tell you. we all say never again when it ends. we all strive to be stronger the next time. to be more cautious. to not let our heart get the better of us. let our heart get hooked by another. ok. i'm a sucker. i admit it. but i'm once ready to let it happen to me. it's summer and the windows on my car are open most of the time and the sounds on the street sound right. a half pack of winston's is the closest thing to my heart right now but by the time you read this there could be a whole new set of rules in place. i hope, for my lungs sake, this is true. have a great summer...you mean the world to me.
gth...xxoo


cowshead chronicles
july 1995

"i warn you, if cornered i'll scratch my way out of the pen. wild, an animal, the claustrophobia begins. think i'm scared of girls, well maybe, but i'm not afraid of you. you wanna scare me, then you'll cling to me, no matter what i do."
'what jail is like'
afghan whigs

gun'-shy' adj easily frightened by the firing of a gun (a guy-shy dog)

ray settled the gun against his side and wondered where he had gone wrong. she was getting into the car and he knew that if she drove away she'd be gone for good. all the neighbors told him she was no good and that they were ill matched from the get go but he knew her better than anyone of them. he knew the way she was-the way she smelled. in the dark at night he could tell when she had come into the room even when she was trying her best to sneak up on him. her eyes sometimes brown, sometimes green and then back again. she had a little tummy that she was so proud of and he would watch her, when she didn't know he was, while she was fixing herself in the mirror. and often, when she just walked past, she would look at herself in the hall mirror just to make sure. of what he didn't know. she'd been there and so had he, neither was pure, and this fact he resented-but more for his impurity than hers. he felt jealous of things that had nothing to do with him, things that happened long before they were ever together-things he killed himself about late at night. normal conversation often turned to heated discussion then to fist flying arguments and one of them would end up crying and saying sorry to the other. he loved her. he wasn't, he knew deep down, good enough for her and that's why she was getting in the car now and leaving. she'd had enough, for now anyway. he'd get on. the gun felt hot against his side and he wondered what he would do with it the longer he held onto it. ray's hand opened and the gun fell to the ground and somehow he knew


he'd never touch it again. as the car left the driveway ray turned and started walking towards the house. as he hit the steps of the porch he heard the sound of the car's brakes bringing the car to a stop. she'd stopped. going inside he decided he's better get those brakes fixed soon.

gth.

cowshead chronicles
may 1996


there are places i refuse to go. places that are reflective of my past in one way or another, be it good or bad, but usually these places conjure up images of things gone wrong. certain areas of the city are off limits as far as i'm concerned. or at least for certain moments in time it's best to avoid these areas until the dust has settled. certain coffee shops and restaurants. hotels and bars. even certain cities in the u.s. are now off limits. and it's all about my heart. an organ in my body that i sometimes feel was put there not to keep me alive but to cause me great pain. the heart is a strange place sometimes. the blood that courses through it has very little to do with the way we feel because of it. the way it can jump into our throats and choke us. the way it pounds. sometimes in the middle of the night we can hear it beating and the pounding in our ears is seemingly enough to break the silence of the night as we lie in bed trying to sleep. and even if we try and want it to happen there's no stopping it. all the clutching of our chests won't make it go away. but this really isn't about my heart. really. it's not. it's about the hearts of others. the hearts buried deep in the chests of those i know. i wonder what's in some of them. some, i know are filled with a blackness that i could never help them get rid of. while others are so full of life that i can only wonder what it's like to have a heart that alive. and i wonder about the people i've had something to do with and how i've made their hearts feel. love and hate and sadness , your heart feels them all. i feel sometimes like my own heart is becoming blackened with time but i still hold out hope that there will be a turning point that will change all that. the light at the end of the tunnel is the carrot i'm chasing right now. i suppose the point to all of this is the way your happiness may affect someone else's heart. it's unfortunate when your happiness affects others in a negative way. but what can you do? live your life for the benefit of others or stay your own course? shit. i don't know. it could be that i'm listening to too much 'sun volt' lately. damn that jay farrar. gth...

cowshead chronicles
may 1997


he knew where she was going. the look she had left with said nothing of who she was going to meet but he knew exactly where the car was headed as it left the garage. a drink with the girls she had told him. maybe two. some food after. could be late. she didn't know for sure. she said she'd call later and let him know where she was. he knew where she was. as if talking in her sleep she had told him time and time again about her attraction. as if it slipped from her lips without her knowing. like she wasn't really giving up anything. maybe she really didn't think she was. giving up anything. doing anything wrong. not that she had. yet. but she would soon. tonight as she lay in the arms of another she knew deep down she was breaking his heart and there was nothing she could do about it now. he knew where she was going. he knew the house. he had been there before. in the room where his wife was about to 'have drinks with the girls'. where she'd 'go for food' after. where she'd 'call him from later to let him know what was up', 'where she was'. maybe she'd tell him exactly where she was. as if it didn't matter. maybe it didn't. he could do the same thing. but for some reason it wouldn't be the same. cheating was cheating. in bed he thought of her still out there. maybe it was over by now. the lights crossing across the bedroom wall signified her return. the front porch screen door slammed as she made her way into the house. keys hitting the counter. fridge door opening. closing. a glass quickly set down after a drink from the tap. a fast pass through the bathroom and then as quickly as the lights in the hallway were turned off she enters the bedroom and says hi. tells him how she's sorry she didn't call and that she meant to but... her skin is cold as she settles in next to him. then he smells it and knows he's been right all along. she had been with her. like he had been with her. the pot. the kettle. both black.
gth...