knowing when to say when...

when may be now, maybe. i don't know. a few years ago, well, actually, almost 12 years ago, when i was in a similar state of mind and place i decided to make a change. a change of location more specifically. i owned a place in kits and loved it, it was a pretty good place. it was the first place i ever bought but i knew that it was time to shake things up and move and my reasons were not entirely clear, to me at least, but i felt it. it seemed right. and in the end i really only looked a few places but decided on the place i am in now, the gastown loft-type thing deep in the heart of crack central.
now i have figured out a few things about myself since moving down here oh so many years ago. or, better put, i have learned what living down here has done to me over time. i think i was more free-wheelin' before my move down here, i have become more suspicious of people on the street, i have become a less tolerant of the 'bums' and pan handlers, guys i used to hand money to, i no longer do, or less than i used to. i think i am more stern. and i think, i suspect, it has a lot to do with the environment i have put myself in, i have no one to blame really, nope, it's just what goes on down here. the city has failed to 'fix' anything down here, they have ...oh fuck it, you know what goes on down here, it's no shocker. but that environment can't not fuck with you over time. it just does. it has to. and i've often wondered, out loud sometimes - even to myself - if i should get the fuck outta dodge. sure, it's getting better, or should with the opening of woodward's and the paris block - it should but really, the koret lofts haven't really helped much. not much.
ok...so what to do. i dunno.
today, after shauna and ang left me to go out to pitt meadows to visit shauna's sister and her mom - who is in town for a scant 24 hours, i went for a walk and ended-up looking at a new development down on fourth ave. very near my old apartment in kits - well, close enough. it's a place called Mantra - nice name....and really, it's fuckin' great. sure, it's different- regular height ceilings, a little smaller sq. footage, etc...but the overall feel is amazing. all new. a new thing. total change. and it can all be yours for....holy fuck! but that holy fuck may be the just the tonic. maybe. beautiful deep soaker tub, amazing kitchen, storage, den, etc....nice.
so what's a guy to do?
sure i can sell my place, i have a decent amount of equity, but, the mortgage i'd be paying each month to have my new tonic...steep, at least compared to what i have been paying for the last 11 plus years...i have been lucky over that time and my low mortgage payments have allowed me to have a fun, road trippin', art buyin' lifestyle. so, am i ready to have a little of that go away to make way for a new place to live? to get back to the west side of town? getting away from the junkies and dealers and such? i dunno. it may be not so much a decision as much as an escape plan and a way to mend and save my mental health. just maybe.
but in the end it just may be too much. too much money. and i look around here and it's not so bad really. really it's not. someone else would possibly, probably, love this place. and a part of me is scared that if i don't do it, i'll lose even more of myself, the good part of myself, that's been getting whittled away over the last 11 plus years.
so, that's that. my report.

more details as they come in.

g. xo