and you are?

i passed someone the other day who i think of as a friend, someone i haven't spent a ton of time with but, someone who i consider a good person, a good guy and a sort who is a pretty straight shooter. as we passed there was barely a nod, well, there was a nod, but, it was, or seemed, almost like an obligation. from both of us. and i remembered another recent sighting of this friend, when he walked by a store i was in and gave a half wave and kept walking, whereas not less than a year ago, he would have stopped and come in and said hello, had a little chit chat and then been on his way. odd. but not completely surprising really.
i have noticed over the years, and i have spoken of this before, that certain friendships have a very organic feel to them and can change almost without notice. now, i'm not sure if that's what's happened here but, it certainly has changed, and i used to take this sort of thing very personally but now, not so much. i know i have changed over the years, both in good ways and in bad, or different. i am less social, sometimes socially awkward, i don't know what to say, how to respond react, etc., so i tend to stay away from situations that i know will make uncomforable. i can be grumpy sometmes just to be grumpy, although not as often these days just for that reason. i'm far less grumpy since my back has gotten better, since i have decided how to make, hopefully, working in film work for me, and since i can almost smell the grass needing to be cut. seriously. i love the long walks...ok, i digress...
i wonder if, in regards to friendships, if it's a matter of wearing out one's welcome? can that happen? i'm sure it can...i know others have mentioned that to me, that they have people who they feel they have alienated in some way, made them feel a certain way and then, poof, the phone calls stop. i was talking to someone the other day who was convinced that if he went away, it would be a good month before anyone really noticed he was gone. i feel the same way. sure, i have a few close friends who would know, but the majority of the people i interact with on a daily basis, they wouldn't know one way or the other.
and i have to tell you, and i was thinking today, and other days about this, that i think my good nature went south a little, that i became less outgoing, when vancouver became less friendly. it is a very unfriendly city. really. i used to strike up conversations with people in line-ups at sfeway, at the drug store, men and women, and there was nothing to it. now, don't try it. i don't, or rarely. and when i do and i end-up in a conversation out of the blue with someone i don't know, i feel like i should go buy a lotto ticket. sometimes you just wanna say hello, smile as you walk by someone, an acknowledgement, just say hi without the other person thinking something's up. that you're trying to pick them up, get something from them. i walk across the bridges a lot lately and i'm here to tell you, making eye contact with anyone else crossing the bridge is harder than trying to scratch the middle of your own back.
it's lonely here. it is. as i get older we al get older, we all get more involved in work, and such, i see less and less of the people i love. people i used to see on a very regular basis. and i'm not blaming anyone. it is what it is - i hate that saying but it works here. people move on to new pals, new interests, if you're not part of a couple your pals who are a couple generally only call their other couple pals to do things couples do together. whatever that is. friends who have had kids are all consumed by that and a guy with a vasectomy can't be part of that, or isn't invited to be part of that. i have a female pal who hardly gets invited to anyhting with her old gal pals anymore because they all have kids now and ....well, why would she be interested in that?
there are a lot of things i like to do...good, fun, interesting things, but i have found that to actually do them, i'm probably gonna be doing them on my own, and that's a bridge i am now crossing and am getting better with. being happy to be your own best friend. not relying on others to make activities fun. i know i have been and am regarded by some to be a guy who doesn't like anything, but it's not true, not even close, i just have things i like a lot and sometimes they don't mesh with what others like, i guess that's why we're called individuals. i like a lot of great stuff...and i'm doing most of those things these days by myself, and like i just said, i'm kinda okay with it, or getting more ok with it. lately i realy love walking around and especially across bridges...am i gonna be like the guys who watch trains or planes except i walk across bridges?
and so it goes...more pals are coupling up, making or thinking about making babies and moving onto other pastures and so it will go...
what a beautiful day out there today...i was out there...more food from salsa and agave...some treats from solly's on main street and now i'm gonna clean my fridge out and give it a good cleaning...then dinner, then desperate housewives...

i am a travelin' man following the breeze....

i love you. a lot.

garn xo